I think with these I’ll need some assistance, But I’ll get you the answers with a little persistence.”. As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed, He flew troo da winda And slapped me ‘side da head. Your email address will not be published. So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. Sometimes I have been a she: All these things are a part of me. googletag.enableServices(); So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life. Not Found. One year I used a wheelchair in place of my sleigh, Once I was blind and had to feel my way. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Time for us girls. Just seen Pam Ayres on Gardeners World and it got me remembering some her of fantastic poems, googled some of them and came across this one. Ayres (pictured during a reading at a festival in 2015) was a popular literary figure in the 70s. T’was the night before Christmas, when all through the Net, There were hacker’s a surfing. My droll little mouth and my round little belly They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. Oct 7, 2019 - Explore Brian Prince's board "Poems Pam Ayres", followed by 843 people on Pinterest. Can Santa be thin?” “Is Santa Clause always a him?”. You probably know how that story goes . var right_side_mapping = googletag.sizeMapping(). The comments below have not been moderated. They'll think we've upped and died. He updated Office, Excel and Quicken, Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken! Slater? The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens, While visions of Java danced in their dreams. ', Another added: 'Perhaps, as women often do, She'll not protest too much While tiny hands do damage To everything they touch.'. Yes, I’ll … This parody of the Lord’s Prayer is one of the more original non-religious funny funeral poems. “I’d like to get right to the point of this meeting. I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick. I’ve frightened the whole bunch away. When I got on the scales there arose such a number! We can't go out the gates. addSize([768, 400], [160, 600]). A thief with a beard— And a big sack for robbin’ the house? Rolled up in Christmas paper The Action Men were tensed, All ready for the morning, When their fighting life commenced, With tommy guns and daggers, All clustered round about, “Peace on Earth – Goodwill to Men” The figures seemed to shout. Wedding Poems Wedding Readings Wedding Humor Famous Quotes Me Quotes Funny Poems You Poem Laughing And Crying Monologues. And labour conditions at the North Pole were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Twas the month after Christmas and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny From a doctor who thinks you’re a nervous old granny. Now Acer!”, my speaker did reel; “On Apple! var left_side_mapping = googletag.sizeMapping(). I love to meet my mates. Oct 7, 2019 - Explore Brian Prince's board "Poems Pam Ayres", followed by 875 people on Pinterest. I won’t have a cookie–not even a lick. The poem is in reference to a video which captured a newlywed Trump boasting about how he gropes women back in 2005. Hard luck squire! Start off with a big, Check out these lovable Valentines ideas! The kids that fell by had just made the street; I was ready for Snoresville, and man, was I beat; When there started a rumble that came on real frantic, So I opened the window to figure the panic. My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape, As he added the latest version of Netscape. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you’ve got to be careful with that word today. Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mella, Not a creature was stirrin’, Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla. Pam Ayres has waded into the Donald Trump p*ssy-grabbing row in her own unique way - by penning a poem imagining the first meeting between him and Theresa May. His fur trimmed red suit was called “Unenlightened.”. Out in the frozen countryside Men crept round on their own, Hacking off the holly, What other folks had grown, Mistletoe on willow trees, Was by a man wrenched clear, So he could kiss his neighbour’s wife, He’d fancied all the year. When what to my Wanderin’ eyes should appear, But da Don of all elfs, And eight friggin’ reindeer! addSize([1600, 400], [970, 90]). googletag.defineSlot('/51987917/Coolest_Holiday_Parties/300x250_6', [300, 250], 'div-gpt-ad-1486975476531-9').addService(googletag.pubads()); I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore — But isn’t that what January is for? Pam Ayres has been a regular on television and radio since winning the talent show Opportunity Knocks in 1975 - on Just a Minute, The Comedy Quiz, Countdown and her own series, Ayres on the Air. Then restore the old color that once graced your hair Before rinses and bleaches took residence there. You see, we are the 'oldies' now. Always put your best foot forward. Ran up the steps to the second floor, Rapped on the window of the principal’s door. Christmas Eve poor Mr. Slater didn ’ t the kiddies be glad when heard... 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